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I just stumbled across this old thing I had written, and I thought that it was posted on this blog at some point, but I couldn’t find it in its fullness (just parts of it) so I decided to post it today for day 11 of Advent with a few little additions here or there. If you have already read it, then sorry… I’m spacey. But today I’m meditating on His compassion and the great reach of His lovingkindness past the pain and circumstance and trials of all sorts that humanity faces in this age, and past all the preoccupations and manipulations and maneuvering of man’s heart in response to that pain or circumstance or trial. Right in the very middle of all of that, Jesus somehow sovereignly makes all things good for those who love Him.
I want to mention with this post two people who are very much a part of my prayers and of my heart before the Lord in this Advent season. You are my heroes right now and God’s treasures… truly, He delights in you in ways you or I cannot imagine. You are friends of Jesus in every way. And I pray that you would be enveloped by the Spirit’s comforting revelation of the compassion of God’s heart and the fullness of its reach and power.
To Kristi and Lauren: When I think of both of you, I think of Proverb 31:25 – of your strength and dignity and your leaning into and trusting the Kind and True Leadership of the King over all your lives, even through the valleys into what may look like a long, dark night (though knowing and trusting that you are not without Light to lead you through)… and living your lives through every season of the soul with a singular goal: that Jesus would be glorified. Christ and Christ alone is your reward and your portion forever. When that is your reality and your center, shaking my come but you will not be moved. What greater thing can be said of a person?? Your God-given strength is stunning to me (as seen from a long distance, but still very seen). Your deep, provoking love for Jesus is so evident and glorious. May the revelation of Compassion and of Jesus be the wall of fire around your soul as you navigate the days and weeks ahead… and may the power of His unfailing, unyielding love continue to be the hope that anchors your heart. You are beautiful friends of Jesus… I so honor and respect who you are and how you love Jesus. I pray you both would drink deeply at the wells of Compassion and feast upon the Bread of life that you would be sustained and somehow even refreshed in the midst of circumstance greater than yourselves. May Jesus hold you tight and keep you and cause His face to shine brightly upon you and your families…
And may He keep us all, lift up His countenance upon us, and help us to remember this Advent season the radical love with which He has loved us - a love that no prison walls can confine and not even the grave could contain. A love that conquers all, making us more than conquerors and in turn, circumstances, good or bad, become nothing but slaves to the Tyrant of Love.
“You may call God love; you may call God goodness; but the best name for God is Compassion.” (Meister Eckhart, 13th century mystic)
There is no attribute more personal to me than the Compassion of God revealed in the face of Christ, the Word made Flesh. As most or all of you know, I was born with a bone and joint disease that has left me in and out of hospitals throughout my childhood and adulthood. It has been a big part of my life – something that I spent much of life fighting against and trying to somehow hide (even though it was a big part of who I was); whereas now, though the fighter in me is still very much alive and well, I am in a new chapter of well…I’m not sure what you would call it. Except to say, much more of life seems to be defined or affected by the limitations and pain that have increased exponentially in the last 7 years but I have so much more grace, joy, gratitude, affection and peace than I think I did when things were ‘easier.’
So anyway, back to the real post, on my journey with the God who Heals, I have been taught and bought into many formulas, I have been introduced to all kinds of “natural remedies or cures,” and I have been prophesied over too many times to count (gratefully). I have swung like a pendulum between Sovereignty and Faith and then found a holy resting place within Jesus’ heart where the tension between these two abides. But through all of that, I have discovered that what, or rather Who, I really needed is a Person. I need the “theology” part of what is typically referred to as a “healing theology” — I need the God part, the Person, the relationship with that Person, the reality of knowing Jesus. Healing, not to mention the strength to endure in the delay, and everything in between is found only in God Himself… not a formula or a philosophical idea about sickness or healing, not man’s opinions on what I should do, not the doctors (though they are very important and necessary), and not my own faltering plans to somehow fight hard enough or be strong enough or somehow stir up whatever “enough faith” might be.
What I need is to commune with the God who heals and find Him in the face of Christ. I need to behold the One who is the Author and Finisher of my faith, so that I may have a faith rooted in Reality Himself that can never be shaken even when the storms come (and they do come). I need to hear Jesus’ words and know His heart for me here… right here, in the delay, I need my Deliverer to show up right in the midst of pain and/or sickness and speak to me in this place. And He has. I find Him in the pages of His story (especially in the Gospels) which serve as an everlasting record of this unfathomable thing called the Incarnation – God took on flesh and walked around on the earth talking to people, touching people, listening to people, eating meals with people, loving people, healing people, and dying for those He loves. Every action, every word, every move Jesus makes reveals who God is. I found Yahweh in the Hands reaching out to touch a leper, cast out of society and unclean to all. From these untouchable ones, He did not cringe – He did not withdraw – Jesus reached with holy hands and a fully exposed heart to cleanse them. Suddenly the untouchable were touched. Suddenly the unclean were cleansed and not by just anyone, but by God in the flesh. Suddenly the broken were whole again. Jesus is Compassion Incarnate.
Throughout the Word of God, the Holy Spirit was very specific about revealing this dimension and reality of God’s heart. In Exodus 33, God says, “I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” And then in chapter 34, we see Yahweh declare His name to Moses, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands…” (Exodus 34:5-7) In Psalm 145, verse 8, David says of the Lord, “The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” But the very fullness of the self-revelation of the compassion in God’s heart was exposed in the life of our Lord, Jesus Christ. God said, Himself and through His holy prophets, “I am kind, compassionate, abounding in love… this is who I AM.” But never was the message made so clear as it was coming from the Man who created the galaxies and walked across the rugged lands of Judea through seas of suffering souls and did not look away. He took it all into His heart – there was no hardness of sin to protect Him. He was the Man of Sorrows. Jesus is so close – He touches us here, He speaks to us here, He is with us here… even in the hard places. No matter what lies the enemy would try to send as arrows into our hearts… they will all fall short, because He’s not far off, God came near.
For me, like many with chronic pain or any kind of illness or physical trial, it is often in the night when the symptoms are more significant and even sleep is hard to find, but in this time the words of the psalmist come alive in my heart, “On my bed I remember You. I think of You, Jesus, and meditate on You through the watches of the night. Because You are my help, I sing underneath the shadows of Your wings. My soul clings to you…” (Psalm 63)
And in those moments, my mind and my soul will turn to scenes like Mark 5… and there He is, God in the flesh, walking by the Sea surrounded by a throng of people… GOD walking around on the dirt with which He formed the very flesh that He was now clothed in! A certain ruler of the synagogue had come imploring Jesus to help him, for his only daughter was dying. And Jesus went. No hesitation – no asking about this child’s faith, if it was “enough” or if the girl was brave enough or strong enough… Jesus went to this little girl because He loved her. God walked down that road with a small 12-year old girl in His mind whose hand He would soon be taking into His own. When He arrived, Jesus and a select few including the parents of the girl would go to find a child lost to death… but not to Him. Jesus would reach His hand and gently wrap it around the hand of this little one who He knit together so wonderfully and carefully in her mother’s womb, whose every hair on her head is known of by Him…oh hear the heart of flesh in the Second Person of the Trinity beating for this child… “I know you… you are Mine”…”I love you”… “Arise!”
Yet on His way to her house, as the crowd was pressing all around Jesus, there was a woman, a woman who those who are facing sicknesses of all kinds might understand all too well. A woman who for years had suffered in pain and spent all she had searching for some form of treatment or help, only to get worse… she was pitied and even despised… hers was a desperate life broken by sickness that would not relent. She has heard about this Jesus, that wherever He goes, healing and miracles follow. She might have been a little skeptical after so many years of coming up empty-handed, but still the childlike hope within her had to believe and though she couldn’t explain why, this Man called Yeshua awakened something Greater within her than she had ever experienced before, even though she had never met Him… so she searched Him out. She pushed her way through fighting crowds and those that casually dismissed her frailly standing there, limping unnoticed in her weakness through their midst without help or regard… she fought in weakness, every step she took required more than she could bear, but she had to get close to Him. If only I could touch his clothes… that’s all it would take if He is truly who I think He is… just the hem of His garment. One more struggling step and a lunge is all it would take… and she throws herself down in the dust through the crowd to reach for the last piece of His robe trailing beside Him.
Light. Life. Relief.
Everything stops. He turns, “Who touched me?”
“Me. I’m sorry… it was me,” she says in fear and trembling, all the eyes in the crowd now watching her with Him.
But instead of the callous disregard or anger that she half expected, He looked down at her in the dirt… and smiled. Eyes full of love and compassion, He reached His hand to hers and pulled her out of the dust. “Daughter… my daughter, you are free.”
Though in those moments of fellowship with God, I may not be instantly and completely healed in a physical way, I find Jesus there… the Word made flesh… and He sets me free and gives me rest. This is my way to His heart. It never fails. And this is my way into faith and believing. I can trust Him… Jesus is good. He’s good. He’s good. And He’s near. And when He’s near, despite my circumstance (in prosperity or loss), I am truly free. True freedom comes when my reward and my portion is not tied to this world or any good or bad thing it has to offer me, but to my Home in another Age with the One I love.
When I feel far away, I search Jesus out where I know I can find Him… in the pages of the Gospels. There are nights I feel as though (in a very small and insignificant way that hardly compares to most of the suffering experienced across the globe) I am huddled up in my little “prison cell,” no light, alone, no comforts (though truly I have all the comforts in the world)… just me, raw and weary, clutching the Word made flesh for every breath… and Jesus breathes… and that “cell” becomes an Ocean without shore.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him,
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:13-14)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” (Lam 3:21-24)
He is not so far that we cannot find Him, so mysterious that we cannot understand who He is and how He loves us. God came near… John says it best: “We have heard… we have seen with our eyes… we have looked upon and touched – this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The Life appeared; we have seen and we testify, and we proclaim to you the Eternal Life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son, Jesus Christ.”
May the fullness of the revelation of God, Jesus Christ, be yours today… and mine… as we ponder Him in our hearts and clutch, with every fiber of our being, the Word made flesh.
I love these pictures because I love this side of Noah. He is a gazer, my little contemplative, and I love to see the wonder and intrigue in his little heart. It’s amazing how certain aspects of our personalities are there right from the very beginning. Noah has always quietly and purposefully observed the world around him – with a remarkable depth in his little gaze… oh to know what is swirling in his little heart and mind…
And the wonder of it all almost always turns into overflowing joy… wonderfully contagious joy! I love this little boy… he is the miracle and joy of my heart. Can you tell?
In other news, the neurosurgeon appointment was moved up and so we saw him on Tuesday this week. He is apparently one of the best neurosurgeons in the country, and he only sees patients on Tuesdays. So that is probably why we had to wait five hours just to be seen. The resident came in first, and he actually explained an os odontoideum for the first time, which was helpful. Then we saw the neurosurgeon for what amounted to approximately twenty or thirty seconds total – during which time, I think I was first insulted and then told I needed to have a CT and come back. To be fair, the resident tried to prepare us with a nice little disclaimer about his mentor - something about how great he was… world renown and so forth… thus, he doesn’t spend much time with patients and is very direct. (Apparently, when you are that amazing, you don’t even need to talk to your patients anymore). So I guess we should have been prepared for it, but it was still hard for both of us. Afterwards, Stephen wrote a speech to the doctor in his head and I didn’t say much at all… until finally in the car, I just cried.
I’m not sure why I cried to be honest. The reason the doctor wanted me to have a CT is because he doesn’t think I even have the os odontoideum, which would be great news. I think I’m just tired of doctors… and of feeling like we’re just running around in circles accomplishing almost nothing by seeing them. I don’t have any delusions or false hope when it comes to medicine anymore. I realize that it is what it is… sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t… and I know that doctors are just people with M.D. behind their names, far from the ’gods’ of our imaginations. But it would be nice to have a doctor actually read through those papers they make you spend an hour filling out beforehand OR to sit down, ask you what is going on, and when you answer, LISTEN to what you have to say OR maybe, just maybe, remember as they are talking to you that you are someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone’s daughter, someone’s friend… that the person sitting across from them could be someone they cared about and how would they want that person to be treated by the one they came to for help… is that too much to ask?
My rheumatologist is that kind of doctor. The orthopedic surgeon that did my last hip replacement (for free because the Lord told him to)was definitely that kind of doctor — he was an incredible surgeon too so he was the whole package (he’s retired now sadly). And really, Noah’s doctors are awesome too — pediatric doctors are usually great though. But unfortunately, in my experience (which I think is pretty extensive for a thirtysomething year old), the good ones that are skillful physicians but still see a person sitting in front of them seem to be few and far between. I’m grateful that the Lord has led us to some of the few though. And truthfully, if I had to have a neurosurgeon (i.e. if I had to have brain surgery), I think I’d rather have the ‘world renown’ one with all his pomposity than the nice guy or girl that isn’t a good surgeon (not exactly the kind of surgery that allows for significant margin of error)… but wouldn’t it be nice if the “best” came with compassion… kind of like, oh I don’t know… the Great Physician (Who has every reason to boast, but humbled Himself that we would be healed). Okay – sorry, just blog-venting… would that be ‘blenting’?
Anyway, today I had the CT, and in about a week and a half (the Tuesday after next), we see the nice doctor again. And this time we’ll bring books and notepads and such to occupy the time during our wait… and hopefully, we’ll be better prepared for the twenty seconds with the doctor too.
I feel like I’ve been living in the reality of Mark 5:26-28 these last few months. My Hope (capital H hope) is not in any doctor or medicine or anything this world has to offer. It rests solely in that Man who was and is and will always be God walking through the crowds wearing His heart out on His sleeve. If I touch even the hem of His garments…
More to come… another post soon.
The last 48 hours… well, they haven’t exactly been the best.
Perhaps it is the debilitating nausea that has taken up residence within and become my constant companion for better or for worse… which is a dumb thing to say, because there really is no “better” side to this relationship…
Or maybe it was the five times in a row I threw up yesterday as a result of the aforementioned nausea. And it needs to be said: I will never eat a roast beef sandwich again. Trust me.
Or it could be the fact that the only thing I can keep down is noodle soup, grapes or jello right now…
Or how bout those fun little stabbing pains shooting up and down my neck or the weird bouts of numbness, popping and just generally disconcerting happenings in my spine…
But my favorite part of the last 48 hours may have been today when Stephen and I were sitting with my doctor (that I see once a month) talking about the newly discovered “os odontoideum” for which I have now been referred to a neurosurgeon… and the words “skull falling off” and “severed spinal cord” actually came out of the doctor’s mouth. Stephen and I had to replay that conversation on our way home and ask ourselves if that really happened…did he really say that… and if my skull is going to fall off, what might that actually entail?
Anyway, it’s been one of those weeks already but despite the ugliness of it all, there is still happiness to be found…
Like last night, when Noah woke up in the middle of the night, Stephen had been booted out to the guest bed (for his own sake) because of how sick I was, so I decided I wanted Noah to sleep with me for the rest of the night. (Now I can only count on three fingers how many times he’s ever done that so when it happens, it is a real treat for him… and for me.) So even though I felt terrible and I couldn’t seem to sleep because of pain, I had my little Noah with me and he was a little cuddle bear all night. He slept right next to me the entire time and at times, he even tickled my face and held my hands. He is SO sweet. I love that little boy more than words could even begin to describe…
And today at the doctor’s office, I felt lousy… but Stephen went with me and let me lay across his shoulder the entire time. I was literally “leaning on my beloved” and it was good. Sometimes, he doesn’t even know he’s doing it, but Stephen strengthens me in a way that no one else can. Today was one of those days.
And then tonight, Stephen was so tired, but he made the sacrifice and actually watched a movie with me. I know, stop the presses, right? Stephen watching a movie is something that honestly happens about as often as Noah sleeping somewhere besides his crib. But tonight (for me) we cuddled up and we watched a movie… and we laughed and we cried and we said good night.
And so I guess I better say good night now too. It’s been a long two days… good, bad, and many shades in between. But the sun will rise again tomorrow and mercies will be new. Of that we can be sure…
So recently, due to obvious limitations in our life and because I want to try to reduce the load that my husband is carrying (uphill, I might add), I have a new interest… all things that can be delivered to your front door without breaking the bank. I am crazy-order-things-online girl these days, and I’ve gotta be honest - I’m addicted. Stephen is a little worried, I think (smile). Seriously though, you can save so much money if you shop around and compare prices… and for non-perishable things, buy in bulk (which is just smart in these here times we are livin’ in anyway). And it saves time and energy as well — so money, time, energy… these are things that need a savin’, yes?
So all that to say, I discovered something new that we are trying out, and I am very excited so I had to share – especially if you are in the Kansas City area. It’s called Door to Door Organics. They deliver (without charge, I might add) locally grown organic fruits and vegetables right to your door (here in Kansas City). You can sign up for different size boxes and the week before each delivery, they send you a list of the fruits and/or veggies in season that will be delivered to you that week. You can go online or call and change things out if you don’t like something too, and you can cancel or suspend your orders at any time. The prices are very competitive — around 50% less than buying the same things at Whole Foods – plus, you are supporting our local farmers.
Anyway, we are starting small and only every other week, so I’ll keep you updated on how we like it. So far, we are very impressed.
Please pray for us this week if you think of it. I’ve been very sick all week, and today (probably because of the weather) my body kind of freaked out too. My joints are barely movable and my neck is severely bad (I can’t move it back or side to side, and I have to have it stabilized by a neck brace to even stand the pain). So far, neither Stephen nor Noah have shown any signs of sickness – Praise God – so we are praying that they don’t get sick at all. For our family, it is really hard if Noah gets sick and almost impossible if Stephen does… just because of all the other circumstances.
Also, keep praying for baby Stellan and for Jennifer (MckMama) — they really need our prayers right now.
First let me thank everyone (both known and unknown out there) again for your concern and prayers for Karli – it has truly been a great blessing and encouragement to our hearts. As you can see from recent posts there have been some slightly ‘better days’ lately for Karli but unfortunately these are often followed by hard ones. The first post that started off this series of updates on Karli’s health described what she has been going through as a really long, hard ‘flare’. So to use that as the reference point, I guess you could say that there have been some glimmers of hope that this thing has an end, but she is still very much in the thick of it.
Several times recently Karli has mentioned ‘the patch’. The patch is a tiny little transparent sticker that goes on Karli’s back that somehow holds a super-duper lot of medicine that slowly gets released into her skin and thus into her bloodstream where it is whisked to all of the parts of her body screaming for relief. The patch is our friend. There is definitely a ceiling on what it can do but it has definitely made a difference in Karli’s overall pain levels day to day. So praise God, from whom all blessings (including little drug-patches) flow.
In the March 10th post Karli mentioned that the new doctor she saw ordered x-rays of most of her major joints as well as some comprehensive blood-work. Both rounds of tests yielded some expected and unexpected results. We were shocked to discover from the x-rays that Karli has severe degeneration in her joints due to the disease process. Just kidding – we knew that. What we didn’t know was that in Karli’s neck there is a rare abnormality with a long name that has the potential to be very negative and very dangerous, specifically to her spinal cord. Please pray that if this is the case the Lord would heal Karli’s neck and completely eliminate this concern. The doctor referred Karli to an excellent neurosurgeon who should be able to assess the condition of Karli’s neck in a lot more detail. It will be three months before the first opening for an appointment, so until then we are just praying and waiting to find out more.
The unexpected/troublesome finding from the blood-work was twofold: some elevated levels related to her liver and some low levels of certain vitamins. Though the doctor has ordered more tests to find out greater detail about both of these, the good news at this point is that they seem to be treatable through fairly straightforward means. We will keep you posted (pun intended) when we find out more but for now you can just pray for Karli’s liver and overall health. The severity of the pain that Karli faces every day and the medicines she is forced to take to deal with that just take their toll on her entire body and cause lots of ripple effects in all sort of things you wouldn’t naturally think of…
Thank you again for your prayers – we are so grateful. For those of you who are local there are a few times a week where students have organized gatherings specifically to pray for Karli. If you would like more info about that just email me. Some of you have also asked about how you can support us. Probably the easiest way (and tax-deductible) is through IHOP staff support. Just write a check to the ‘International House of Prayer’ with a note included (not on the check itself) that has our name on it and send to:
IHOP Staff Support
3451 East Red Bridge Road
Kansas City MO 64137
Just wanted to write a quick update… sorry it’s been a while.
Yesterday we saw the new doctor – a specialist at KU, which is one of the teaching hospitals here in KC – and we really, really liked him. I had to get a bunch of x-rays on all my joints and have about a pint of blood drawn (or it seemed that way anyway). He has more of a whole body approach in looking at the disease (which is first reason for all the tests) and he also wants to make sure there isn’t a secondary inflammatory disease working with the skeletal dysplasia and precocious OA that we already know about. Which hopefully, there is not anything else going on. He spent a lot of time with us, which is always nice (and very atypical), and I think my favorite part was that he gave us his personal email address to keep him updated on pain control, ask questions, get lab results or prescriptions, etc (something that I have NEVER even heard of a doctor doing – and I think he actually does it with all his patients).
I am also starting yet another new medicine. This one is a patch that delivers medicine for three days at a time, and actually, there is a good possibility that this one may be the one that finally works or at least gets me out of the severity of this flare. We hope so anyway. I will be happy for the day that I can throw most of these bottles of pills away, that is for sure. Other than that, there is not much to report. I’m still in the flare. I have some days that are better than others… but the days when the weather changes (like yesterday and today - rain and then cold) are always pretty brutal.
I’m holding out for Song of Solomon chapter 2 right now… oh for the fruit and fragrance of Spring.
“See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.”
We have also just been overwhelmed with the love and support that has been extended to us by our wonderful friends, family and by the students at IHOPU (to the students: wow… seriously, I don’t even know how to express how much you all have blessed me this last week… I am undone). We’ve had prayers and meals and encouragement and support by the bucket-loads…
For real, I’m talking big, large buckets 
And we are so blessed and so eternally grateful. (I keep thinking that it can’t be long before those bowls tip from all the prayers pouring in). So to everyone that has written, prayed, prepared a meal, given a gift, and just loved us in this season, THANK YOU… with all of our hearts and with eternal gratitude, THANK YOU SO MUCH. There are not words… but I am certain that if you listen closely, you will hear the very beat of His heart saying, “Come, you who are blessed by My Father, inherit the Kingdom… for whatever you did for the least of these, you did for Me.”
Woke up today and the face and neck rash is pretty much gone!! Yay!
And Jesus gave us 4 inches of snow for our anniversary… we were so excited when we woke up this morning. It really felt like a gift from the Lord to remind us of His faithfulness and care.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My word that goes out from My mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55)
Amen.
We also have our other little miracle and gift who serves as a daily reminder of the greatness of the heart of God and the gift of life. Isn’t he cute?
